July 1st, 2012 Journal

After almost four months of living here in Africa I can definitely look back and see some extremes in emotions.  Some times I still can’t believe I live here and other times I feel like this is where we have always been.  Many times I am welcomed warmly and lovingly by the Tanzanians. Other times I fight back tears as I am stared at, mocked, harassed, confused, frustrated with language, etc.  Sometimes I have compassion for the 7-year-old child begging to hold my bag at the market for 200 shillings.  Other times I am so angry at a system that allows this to happen and at whoever is making this child work instead of allowing them to go to school.  Sometimes I walk fruit and vegetables out to the old women begging for food at our gate.  Other times I watch in irritation as they rub their stomachs and hold out their hands to me. Sometimes I love this life…sometimes I just want to go home. 

Today…I want home.  As we are visiting a family in Kitumbi, I watched out of the corner of my eye as a mother and her adult daughter interacted in the kitchen.  They laughed and washed dishes, they sang together.  (Yes…I was the creepy girl watching them from the living room.)  Then I saw something that struck me so deep that all I could do was leave the house before I burst into tears.  I watched this mother and daughter look at each other and without saying a word…they communicated.  In a moment…all the things that I try to guard my heart against dwelling upon came flooding back.  I miss my mom.  I miss those glances, where not a word needs to be spoken…just a look into the eyes of the woman who raised me.  I miss my sisters.  I miss the moments of sweet laughter and the moments of quiet, where again…nothing needs to be said or discussed…you are so familiar with one another that you just know.  I want that back.  I miss my family more than I can ever truly allow myself to admit.  But today, I remember.  I remember the looks, the laughs, the hugs and warmth, the smell, the voices, the sweet familiarity of my family and I miss it.

~God, you alone are our comfort and strength during moments of fear and pain.  I ask that you grant me peace today.  Strengthen me when I feel lost and weary.  Lord, you know my heart.  It is far from here today.  Today, I am not moved for the lost.  Today I am not weary and crying out for the people around me who need to know you.  I am crying only for myself.  Forgive me. Help me to remember why we are here.  Help me to live each moment with eternity in view. 

Even now, I type this hearing the Muslim call to worship and I’m not praying for them; I’m not even moved for them right now.  I’m discouraged.  I need you, Lord to strengthen my soul.  I need to be reminded of the gospel…what you have already done for me.  I have everything I need in this life because of you.  Encourage me through your spirit and your word today.  Please help me not to make my feelings a cause for obedience.  Renew a right spirit within me.

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at you altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God.  Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion.  As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools.  They go from strength to strength; each on appears before God in Zion. O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!  For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.  I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.  O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!