Dear Alisa,
This may not mean much to you now, but I pray that God uses
this the day you are here in Africa and realize you have nothing
left. Hahaha, but seriously.
So here I am…six months living here in Tanzania and
wondering why in the world God would want me? Ashamed when I see my sin and my selfishness rear its ugly
head. But why am I so shocked? Because I actually thought I had things
together…sick!!! I remember
sitting in our Biblical Counseling courses together and feeling convicted about
1 or maybe 2 idols that I could identify in my life at the time. I HAD NO IDEA! I so easily hid behind mounds and
mounds of idolatry and I couldn’t even see it. I had no idea how deeply sick I was with them.
The problem is…I came to Africa. My idols were there the whole time…it was just so easy to
hide them, replace them, excuse and ignore them back home.
This has all come crashing into a reality, which is
embarrassing to admit. As I have
grasped at the idols I had back home…I have slowly and painfully watched them
slip out of my reach. I can’t
escape to them anymore. For months, I have blindly and relentlessly pursued
them and even more painfully watched them escape from my grasp; my sisters, my
family, my lattes, my clothes, my “sense of self”, my friends, the business of
life that kept me feeling important and needed, encouragement from others,
friends that spoke the same language, an easy meal to feed my family, a day
where I wasn’t covered in dirt, a normal day, a normal conversation, my home,
(the list could keep going…like for a long, long time…but I will spare you.)
But there was an idol that I hadn’t lost yet…Aaron. This week, by the grace of God…he broke my
heart and revealed the sin I have been living in as I shouted, “I just want to go home…I hate it
here…I hate you.” Terrible
words. Revealing words. All completely untrue but words that
came straight from a heart that pursued Aaron to fulfill all those idols and
sinful ambitions I had back home. Aaron
could no longer live up to what I thought I needed from him. I’m so ashamed of what I said and the
heart that those words overflowed from.
God has broken my heart and graciously drawn me back
to Himself. He removed the scales
that have blinded me for months, for years. I don’t need Aaron to make me happy. I don’t need my family, my worldly
pleasures, popularity, friendships, ease, a lunch with girlfriends, a
date-night once a week, a sense of fitting into a culture so different from my
own. I NEED JESUS. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Before we left as missionaries we were trained to identify
culture shock when it came. I’m
not willing to call it that. It’s
this change in culture that has brought our family to our knees in realization
of how dependent we are upon our Heavenly Father. We need Him here.
We needed Him before, but could fill our days with countless pleasure,
no matter how unfulfilling they were…we didn’t realize and maybe we didn’t
care. We were far too easily
pleased with our idols to realize that communion and reliance upon our Lord is
the SWEETEST and greatest place to rest.
In the words we know of C.S. Lewis, We were playing in those mud puddles
in the slum because we didn’t understand was meant by God offering us holiday
at the sea. I believe that God
loves us so much that He isn’t going to let us settle for anything less than
Himself. It’s not the culture here
that is shocking me so much; it’s myself and my own sin that has done most of
the shocking. Even more shocking
is a God who lovingly, time and time again, pulls this wandering heart back to
Himself.
So, my dearest friend, who will begin this missionary
journey in a few short months: Let
go of your ideas of what a perfect American life looks like and run to
Jesus. Let go of everything you
feel that you need…run to Him. Take a hard and painful look at where your time, your money,
your thoughts, your ambitions and your heart so quickly run. Cast it all before the feet of our gracious
Lord and cling to Him alone.
Nothing else will satisfy.
Nothing else will keep you here on the mission field when those things fade
away. Nothing but Jesus is enough
to fill these relentless hearts of ours and fill our souls with true and
everlasting joy!
I pray that one day our God can get the glory by this being
said about our lives:
…having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the
earth. For people who speak thus
make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that
land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return.
But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore
God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.
Hebrews 11:13-16
I love you. I
can’t wait to greet you on this side of the earth. See you soon.
Steph
