"You don't want your old life back..."

Oh, facebook…how I love the connections you bring between friends…and how I love/hate the exposure you bring to my wicked heart.

Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed a slight sting in my heart as I looked through the beautifully normal albums of friends back home.  The other night, those slight stings boiled over into an idol-exposing mess.  “I feel like everything I am is gone.  Everything and everyone is moving on.  I don’t like looking at my old life without myself in it.   I feel like I left who I was behind!“ 

Hearing myself say that was pretty scary. I was slapped in the face with the reality of where my value had been placed.  I was so ashamed.  As God graciously exposed my heart that night, he also graciously gave me Shan and Aaron to help encourage me.  Shan said “Thank God that we don’t have those things to hide behind anymore, Steph.  All our eggs are in one basket, and that is in Christ ALONE.” 

I thank God that I can’t hide behind titles, friendships, status, starbucks, fashion, family, busyness, self-inflicted busyness, work, lunch-dates with friends, favorite t.v shows, etc.  I thank Him for the silence and for the loneliness that beckon me to answer…Is HE really enough in my life?  All those things listed are a mirage of happiness and hope.  HE, JESUS, is the rock that we are all longing for.   

Is Christ really enough in my life?  Oh, how I can talk the talk but it gets serious really quick when I actually attempt to live that way.  I pray that I can start believing and living in the following manner…“Gospel-saturation people are those who give everything they have because they realize that, in Christ, they already have everything they need.”

As Tullian Tchividjian so eloquently put it in the incredible book Jesus + Nothing= Everything: “You don’t want your old life back, it’s your old idols you want back, and I (Jesus) love you too much to give them back to you.”   Thank you, Lord for the absence of my “old life” that so easily hid my idolatry!  I am broken and humbled to realize how I TRIED to find my identity and joy in things and people other than YOU.  I, Stephanie Boon, am a child of God.  Rescued, loved, and hidden in Christ.  That is everything.

Colossians 3:1-4 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

This is my first blog entry here in Africa. I have put this off for some time now. Part of me was trying to avoid the inevitable first entry after leaving my family. I had no desire to relive those dreadful moments, but every time I started an entry it felt like I was picking up in a wrong place. My desire for this blog is to point others to Christ and the incredible blessings and grace that come thru following Him…though sometimes the grace may be painful. Such painful and sustaining grace came as I left my family just a few weeks ago. I pray though, that through honesty and openness into my life that God will do a work in the lives of others.
He will receive the glory in all of my weakness and when my faith is shaken…HE remains faithful.

{My journal on March 15th}
Yesterday was the day that I did the single hardest thing that I have ever done. I walked away from my family. I truly felt like my heart was going to stop beating. The pain of leaving my sisters, my brothers, my nieces, my nephews, Mamaw, Papaw…it was almost more than I could bare…

I held tightly onto my precious Leighton and Winston, knowing that I will never get to feel them as precious babies again. I kissed and squeezed their little faces tighter than either appreciated.

I watched as little Norah tried her very best to understand what was happening. I listened, as she wanted to make sure that I knew where to find her when we came back. “Will I still be at my house? If I’m in a new house, will you know where to find me?” Even my best robot impression didn’t put a smile on her confused and saddened little face.

I watched little Caloway try his best to be tough. He hugged Kennedy as she cried and closed his little eyes. He promised to call me right away when he loses that loose front tooth.

I hugged the pregnant belly of my baby sister, knowing that I would never get to hold little Iris as a baby.

I watched my Mamaw, one of the toughest humans around, try to stay busy and distracted to shield her pain.

I felt the strong arms of the precious and loving grandpa shake as he held the granddaughter that he loves to protect.

My brothers…trying their very best to stay strong for their families, broke my heart. I love those 3 men as if they had been my brothers all my life. They love, protect, adore, lead and are married to the three women that hold some of the highest places in my heart…my sisters. The pain of leaving those three was deeper than I ever imagined. Walking out of their daily lives, out of reach of their hugs, away from their laughs, the constant joy that fills every moment we are together, it felt like I was leaving part of my soul behind.
Today, as I sit in a Chicago hotel, because of our cancelled flight, I mourn the loss of the life I leave behind. Nothing, short of faith and trust in our Holy God could keep me from running back…nothing.

“Oh Lord,
I hang on Thee; I see, believe, live,
When Thy will, not mine, is done;
I can plead nothing in myself
In regard of any worthiness and grace,
In regard of Thy providence and promises,
But only Thy good pleasure.
If Thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be Thou!
Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies;
Help me to honor Thee by believing before I feel, for great is the sin if I make feeling a cause of faith.”

I pray, dear Lord, that you use my weakness for Your glory. I pray you take my life and use it as instruments of Your grace, so that some may know. Grant me more faith, more wisdom, more patience, more love, more humility, more sustaining grace to point others to You.
In Your incredible mercy, You: called me to Yourself in salvation, You called me to Your service (though you need me not) and I am sure of this, that You who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phillipians 1:6

I look back on my journal with love and adoration for a Heavenly Father who knows exactly how it feels to leave family. He, in His incredible grace and mercy, sent His only Son out of a perfect world, as a living sacrifice…to pay for what I CAN NOT!

The words in a letter written to me from my much older and wiser ;) big sister pretty much sums it up:

Dear Steph,
Tonight was another wonderful family night. When I think about all the wonderful memories we have had and will still have as a family I know that all this is possible because of Jesus.

Without Him family wouldn’t be so precious. But God changed everything for us when He chose before the foundations of the world to save us. Our great Rescuer Jesus Christ has rescued us from the power of sin and has bestowed on us blessings upon blessings.
I look at my family and see that all the joy I feel is from him and him alone and praise be to him for saving and sealing our eternal destiny to be forever with our Lord and Savior.

So, how could my soul not rejoice that God has given you the passion and desire to share the hope he has given us to those who are without? How selfish would I be that I wouldn’t want everyone in the world to know the glorious gospel of Jesus Christ that has changed our lives and given us purpose. Even if that means a temporary, I am happy that the happiness we have shared as a family in Jesus will be shared with the people of Africa.

I think about the happiness and joy I feel in a world still stricken with sin. What then will heaven be like when finally our Lord comes back and makes everything right again, takes away the pain, the sickness, the separation, death and we get to have Jesus for eternity. The greatest memories and joys I have felt on this earth will not even come close to comparing.

God help us to not just be satisfied with simply existing but that we would truly live. And truly living is a life that belongs to the one who has saved our souls. We are his people set aside for his purpose. May God give us the courage and strength to be on the mission of sharing his saving gospel to those around us.
I Thessalonians 5:23-24 “Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

That awful moment when every emotion I have tried so adamantly to hide comes crashing down. It all hits me. We are leaving…leaving everything we know: our home, everything familiar, everything dear, everything easy and American…my family.

Here’s a true confession-last night, for first time, I looked at my husband, Aaron and said, “I don’t think I can do this.”

I had just spent the entire evening watching my girls and each of their cousins fill the house with so much love and laughter and joy. “How can we leave this? How can we leave them? What are we doing? Are we making the worst mistake of our lives?”

To most people, the answer to those questions is…a big YES. It’s the absolute worst mistake of our lives to leave this blessed family and life behind to enter into an unfamiliar, unstable, foreign, Muslim nation with which we can count the number of people we know on one hand. From an earthly (logical) perspective it is pure insanity to do this.

Or…it’s the greatest gift of our lives that God would allow us, often faithless and fearful; to be used in His magnificent plan to share the greatest news of His love and grace to those who have never heard!

I have a feeling that a lot of us have that similar tension between our flesh (what makes sense) and faith. Following our Lord when it doesn’t make sense, when it hurts, when the world laughs or disapproves, when you’re scared…when all you have IS HIM to rely upon.
Last night, as my husband held me and we prayed together for strength, for comfort and wisdom, we cried out for God to grant us more of that faith.

::Faith like Moses when God asked him to lead an impossible journey across the Red Sea.
::Faith like Hannah as she left her only son behind in obedience to the Lord and prayed “There is none holy like the LORD: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.”
::Faith like Joshua leading a “seemingly” impossible battle to Jericho
::Faith like Joseph, Abraham, Daniel, Rahab, Ruth, and David…
::Faith that looks past what lies behind, what fears lie ahead and only to GOD.

So, now in my weakness and fear…all I can do is pray for a heart that remains faithful through what seems impossible. I want faith like what is described below in Hebrews 11…

13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

For those reading and now struggling with your own fear…yes, we ARE still going. ☺ Through God’s immeasurable grace He is granting us the faith needed to press on into this journey He has called us. Though my flesh is fearful and lacking in faith, our God…the creator of the universe..IS MY HELP!
"...Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith"

The Gift of Gifts

O source of all good,
What shall I render to you for the gift of gifts,
your own dear Son?

Herein is wonder of wonders:
he came below to raise me above,
was born like me that I might become like him.

Herein is love;
when I cannot rise to him he draws near on wings of grace,
to raise me to himself.

Herein is power;
when Deity and humanity were infinitely apart,
he united them in indissoluble unity,
the uncreate and the created.

Herein is wisdom;
when I was undone, with no will to return to him,
and no intellect to devise recovery,
he came, God-incarnate, to save me to the uttermost,
as man to die my death,
to shed satisfying blood on my behalf,
to work out a perfect righteousness for me!

O God, take me in spirit to the watchful shepherds,
and enlarge my mind!

Let me hear good tidings of great joy,
and hearing, believe, rejoice, praise, adore,
my conscience bathed in an ocean of repose,
my eyes uplifted to a reconciled Father!

Place me with ox, donkey, camel, goat,
to look with them upon my Redeemer’s face,
and in him account myself delivered from sin!

Let me with Simeon clasp the newborn child to my heart,
embrace him with undying faith,
exulting that he is mine and I am his!

In him you have given me so much that heaven can give no more.

{Puritan Prayer}

I guess I didn’t take it seriously when the other “Wazungus” (white people) in town warned us of the lack of housing. “There are more people needing housing than there are houses available. Your family may have to live at the language school.”
No big deal, I thought. For almost three years of our travels we have lived in and out of hotel rooms, missions apartments, basements, etc. I thought I was pretty resilient.
As I stood in the doorway of our future home I couldn’t speak. I knew if I tried to utter a word I would cry. I just followed; nodding my head as the precious Tanzanian man, Israel, proudly showed us the living quarters. Concrete floors, two tiny bedrooms only big enough to hold beds, a 10 ft by 10ft living area, and windows with cracks and holes large enough for any insect or snake to enter, no kitchen, the bathroom big enough for a small sink, tiny shower which is backed up against the stained toilet.
“I have three children," trying my best to utter in my limited Swahili “nina kuwa na tatu watoto.” There is no room for three children.” The tiny room offered space for twin size bunk beds and about 2 ft along one side to walk. “My baby will not fit." Isreal replies, “That is no problem, mama. The baby can sleep in your room.” Simple solution, huh? I wanted to act on every ounce of earthly instinct and say I can’t do this! There are 1 thousand reasons that anyone could give not to move their family there.
Later that day we arrive at a duplex in town, that is currently rented, but has possible openings. Two decent sized bedrooms, a kitchen, a clean bathroom, perfectly sealed windows, a pool and another similar unit for Shantelle! I immediately said to Aaron and Shantelle, “Every prayer letter from here on out will be asking people to pray that this duplex opens up for us to rent.” Sounds reasonable, right? Until the next day when I visited the Neema House. The Neema House is a church and Feeding center (started by the faithfulness of Mitch and Beth Calmes and Manna Worldwide) right in the middle of an Islamic Slum. There I met beautiful Christian women; washing dishes, humming hymns to the Lord, hugging and laughing. Praising the Lord with pure and relentless joy. In this broken, dirty slum they were more joyful and dependent upon the Lord than I have ever come close to. These women are living the definition of “poverty”, but somehow I felt like the impoverished one.
I have such little faith, more often than not my joy is contingent upon circumstances. I have experienced such slight and gloomy glimpses of what life is all about. In my clean, pottery barn and ikea-laden, American home with a fully stocked kitchen…I am so far from that beautiful and wonderful reliance on Christ. I’m impoverished in spirit. I place faith in and reliance on comfort and on things. Rich with possessions, yet completely deficient in faith.
So, my NEW prayer is this:
Lord, you may bless us with the duplex or an equally comfortable home OR you may choose to bless our family by experiencing some uncomfortable grace at the language school housing. I pray that YOUR will be done and that you will accomplish in us what we would never choose in order to bring GLORY to YOUR name. Lord, do what you see best in order that my family sees only YOU as our comfort and our “safe place”. Thank you for allowing me to serve you, inadequate and often faithless.

I Timothy 6:17-19
17As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. 18They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, 19thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.

For as long as I can remember, my Grandma Clara, “Nona” prayed for her youngest sister Linda. Nona’s prayer journals were filled with Linda’s name, faithfully asking God’s grace to be on the life of her sister. My grandma died of cancer in 2008 without Linda ever accepting Christ.

Last Monday I fearfully walked myself into the Critical Care Unit of a Hospital in St. Petersburg, Florida. Before going any further with this story, I want to back up and explain how I got there.

This past May our teammate Michal Paul Leek got a last minute phone call to speak at a church in Florida. He asked Aaron if we could fill in since we were already in town. The girls were sick, so Aaron went to this church alone. Two months later we received a call from the same church asking us to come back for their missions month…September 25th. We happened to already have bookings in Florida during that time, so we accepted. God is His incredible grace booked this church the day before I would find myself in a critical care unit…15 minutes away.

“She’s going in for emergency surgery in an hour. It’s good you are here. We aren’t sure how long she has.” The nurse says as she leaves the room. I didn’t answer, my eyes locked on a woman that so strikingly resembled my grandma that I was in a loss for words…in a loss for breath. Linda. Her feeble, 90-pound, cancer-filled body, with more tubes and pumps than plausible, lying before me, alone. I prayed silently. I reached my hand to hers and said, “Aunt Linda, it is Stephanie, Clara’s granddaughter.” Her cold hand squeezes mine and she gathers all her strength to nod with such urgency that tears filled my eyes. She could hear me. She knew who I was. “I know you can’t speak, but I’m here, I’m staying. You aren’t alone.” She squeezes my hand tighter and nods again as I ask her “Can I pray with you?” I spent the next hour trading off in prayer and reading Scripture. I prayed for comfort, peace, healing, and I read and prayed through the gospel. I told Linda about memories I had of her and my grandma. I shared how I have heard her name spoken by her sister in prayer more times than I can count. “Oh, how she loved her baby sister.” This precious hour flew by and was spent mostly in tears.

“Linda, you are going in for surgery. I know you are scared.” I whispered. What happened in that next moment I will never fail to remember. With more strength than it seemed she could give, she nodded her head and grasped my hand when I asked her, “Linda, did you pray with me to accept Christ as your Savior?” Yes! In His beautiful and marvelous grace, three years after my grandma entered the gates of heaven, OUR gracious Heavenly Father answered her earthly prayers for Linda’s salvation.

We serve a God who hears our prayers and who answers our prayers…often in ways and in timing that we would never expect. Linda and I both got to share a glimpse of that miraculous grace and mercy of our Lord that day. Maybe Nona even got a glimpse of that moment as well. :)

-Linda remains in the Critical Care Unit. We are getting daily updates.

Hebrews 4:14-16
14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Where we never intended to go...

Mark 6:45-52
45 Immediately he made his disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. 46 And after he had taken leave of them, he went up on the mountain to pray. 47 And when evening came, the boat was out on the sea, and he was alone on the land. 48 And he saw that they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them. And about the fourth watch of the night7 he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them, 49 but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought it was a ghost, and cried out, 50 for they all saw him and were terrified. But immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 51 And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, 52 for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.];


Out in the middle of a storm, the disciples found themselves in a potentially dangerous, frightening, and dire situation. Mark says that they were “making headway painfully, for the wind was against them.” Ever been there? Making headway painfully?

They were not in this wearisome moment because they were unwise or unfaithful. This moment of terror was no surprise to God. Look in verse 45. “He (Jesus) MADE his disciples get in the boat”. They were in that moment because Jesus wanted them in that moment. Drawing some personal parallels?

One of the most amazing things about this passage is that at any moment Jesus could have stayed on shore and spoken that storm into silence. He could have heard their cries and instantly calmed the storm, immediately rescuing them from their painful situation. In His perfect redemptive love, Christ didn’t just stop their situation… HE WALKED ON WATER and said to them “It is I, do not be afraid.” Jesus didn’t just want them to be rescued from their situation; He wanted them to look to HIM. As Paul Tripp says “He’s not so much after your situation, He is after YOU.” Christ wanted these disciples to get something from this that they could get no other way. This is transforming, refining grace! “Jesus will take you where you never intended to go in order to produce in you what you could not do on your own.”

The end of this passage takes me to an entirely new level of conviction. It says about the disciples (who had just watched Jesus feed 5,000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish)… “And they were utterly astounded, for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.” How many times have I seen God’s mighty hand at work and then shortly after that miracle cripple in fear the moment that I make “headway painfully” and the “wind is against me”.

Lord, please give me a heart of faith during the storm. Forgive my fear and disbelief. Forgive my focus on self. Please melt this hardened heart, which so easily forgets your miracles and your work. Thank you for your WORD that radically changes us from within. Thank you for the storms and for Your refining and sometimes painful grace.

To listen to an incredible sermon from Paul Tripp on this passage COPY AND PASTE this into your browser: http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/resource_files/audio/201012121115FMWC21ASAAA_PaulDavidTripp_StandAlone-TheDifferenceBetweenAmazementandFaith.mp3