Are we “blessed” or just blinded?

The beautiful woman in front of me glows with the love of Christ.  She is the wife of our dear Tanzanian pastor.  She is raising four lovely children and faithfully serving alongside of her husband in our small church here in Morogoro.   With her feet up on my lap I carefully paint each toenail and listen as she hums a favorite tune.  This woman displays true grace and beauty.  However, her rough feet, missing toenails, blisters and sores remind me of a life that is far from similar to my own. 

We had just spent half of the afternoon in her home and then the other half at mine.  My mind raced back and forth between the bleak contrasts. 

Her home: well-swept dirt floors, a sheet for a front door, a kitchen outside which consists of coal and a pot, stirring a pot of ugali while explaining their inability to afford rice.  I listened as Pastor and his wife talked about the terrible government school in which their children attend.  They fear for their children’s future, but there are no other options they can afford.  

My home: newly mopped tile floors, windows protected by two sets of iron bars, around the clock guards and a beautiful gate; freshly baked banana bread as we sit on our outdoor patio and the uniforms of our girl’s private school freshly hanging out to dry.  Our lives really couldn’t be more different. 

Okay, now stop for a moment. Catch what you are thinking.  If you are anything like most Americans, anything like how I used to think…your thoughts may have been somewhere like this.  “Wow, it just makes me realize just how blessed we really are.”  It sounds simple and true.  But is it?  For a while now that statement has haunted me.  It bothers me because that simple statement implies a very serious misconception of who the blessed in this world really are.  It’s a very dangerous formula.

I have things SO I’m blessed.  

They don’t have my things SO they are not as blessed.

I think as believers our worldview has been seriously messed up because of this lie. I believe it’s much more simple.

Jesus + Nothing = Everything  (btw, this is a title of an amazing book that you should read!)

What if tomorrow your story looked more like that of Job of the Bible (who lost everything he owned, his family, his health, his friends, his comfort).  If all you had left in this world was…well, Jesus.  Is that enough?

I think if we looked into God’s Word we would see a different view of who the blessed really are.  Maybe we would shift our thoughts.

“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!” (Psalms 34:8)

“Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him?” (James 2:5)

Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not turn to the proud, to those who go astray after a lie! (Psalms 40:4)

“Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:24)

So, really…how are we gauging our standard of God’s blessings?   We are not blessed because we are rich.  In fact, we are all suffering from poverty, spiritual poverty.  Each and every one of us shares in suffering, this spiritual poverty, because of SIN.  It just manifests itself in very different ways.  In Africa we see it manifested through disease, government corruption, parentless children, etc.  In America we can see our “poverty” through consumerism, idolatry, self-obsession, a lust for the world.  Without Christ both poverties are equally hopeless.

 I never truly understood the words in Matthew 19:24 until I moved to Africa.  As the scales are (very slowly) falling off I realize that yes…the rich of the world (myself) non-Christian and Christian alike are blinded by what we see as our “blessings”.  In the often quoted words of C.S. Lewis:

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Maybe we aren’t so “blessed”.  Maybe our consumer driven hearts have led us so far astray from what life is really about that we are blinded.  We are blinded from living the life that our Savior redeemed us to live.  Maybe our “mud pies” are not really so satisfying after all?

There are over 3 million people in Tanzania alone who have never heard the gospel!  THREE million souls who have NEVER heard the name of Christ.  I don’t think our dear pastor and his wife are splashing around making mud pies over here.  I think God has BLESSED her family with faith, and joy, and HIS love as they live by faith and share HIS hope here in Tanzania.  They are blessed. 

July 1st, 2012 Journal

After almost four months of living here in Africa I can definitely look back and see some extremes in emotions.  Some times I still can’t believe I live here and other times I feel like this is where we have always been.  Many times I am welcomed warmly and lovingly by the Tanzanians. Other times I fight back tears as I am stared at, mocked, harassed, confused, frustrated with language, etc.  Sometimes I have compassion for the 7-year-old child begging to hold my bag at the market for 200 shillings.  Other times I am so angry at a system that allows this to happen and at whoever is making this child work instead of allowing them to go to school.  Sometimes I walk fruit and vegetables out to the old women begging for food at our gate.  Other times I watch in irritation as they rub their stomachs and hold out their hands to me. Sometimes I love this life…sometimes I just want to go home. 

Today…I want home.  As we are visiting a family in Kitumbi, I watched out of the corner of my eye as a mother and her adult daughter interacted in the kitchen.  They laughed and washed dishes, they sang together.  (Yes…I was the creepy girl watching them from the living room.)  Then I saw something that struck me so deep that all I could do was leave the house before I burst into tears.  I watched this mother and daughter look at each other and without saying a word…they communicated.  In a moment…all the things that I try to guard my heart against dwelling upon came flooding back.  I miss my mom.  I miss those glances, where not a word needs to be spoken…just a look into the eyes of the woman who raised me.  I miss my sisters.  I miss the moments of sweet laughter and the moments of quiet, where again…nothing needs to be said or discussed…you are so familiar with one another that you just know.  I want that back.  I miss my family more than I can ever truly allow myself to admit.  But today, I remember.  I remember the looks, the laughs, the hugs and warmth, the smell, the voices, the sweet familiarity of my family and I miss it.

~God, you alone are our comfort and strength during moments of fear and pain.  I ask that you grant me peace today.  Strengthen me when I feel lost and weary.  Lord, you know my heart.  It is far from here today.  Today, I am not moved for the lost.  Today I am not weary and crying out for the people around me who need to know you.  I am crying only for myself.  Forgive me. Help me to remember why we are here.  Help me to live each moment with eternity in view. 

Even now, I type this hearing the Muslim call to worship and I’m not praying for them; I’m not even moved for them right now.  I’m discouraged.  I need you, Lord to strengthen my soul.  I need to be reminded of the gospel…what you have already done for me.  I have everything I need in this life because of you.  Encourage me through your spirit and your word today.  Please help me not to make my feelings a cause for obedience.  Renew a right spirit within me.

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at you altars, O Lord of hosts, my King and my God.  Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion.  As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools.  They go from strength to strength; each on appears before God in Zion. O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!  For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.  I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.  O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

Her eyes were filled with tears as she buried her little head into my shoulder after falling off the swing,  “Mommy, it hurts.”  I held her, checked her wound, patted her on the back, and kissed her cheek…a typical interaction between a child and her mother.  My eyes drifted beyond my daughter as I watched 28 sets of wide eyes staring at this strange display of affection. 

Earlier that same day at the orphanage, little 6-year-old Goti fell on the concrete.  He scraped his knee and the palm of his hand.  I watched as he ran off to the side and cried alone.  He looked for no one; he ran to no one; his short life had already conditioned him to soothe his own pain and fear.  I walked over to Goti and as he climbed on my lap I explained, in very broken Swahili, that I was sorry for his pain.  I kissed his little knee and his hand.  He rested on my shoulder.  Even after his “full recovery”, Goti, made several trips back to me to ask for another kiss on his hand.  

What a vast difference between the lives of Goti and Claire.  It doesn’t seem fair. 

But I know that you cannot be a mother and not have, built into your very core, a desire to help a child in need.

Our heart breaks for the millions of parentless children in our part of the world.  Every child should have someone to run to, someone who cares.  This is why we are here.  Not for the orphaned child alone, but for an even greater crisis.; for the person who does not know Christ. In my life…I run to HIM…in every fear, heartache, pain, trial…I have my FATHER to run to.  “Run to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I WILL give you rest.” 

It’s heartbreaking that some have never even heard the name of Christ.  It should grieve you if you know the greatest news of all time and you are unwilling to share that hope, that life changing, eternity changing hope with others.

You cannot be a Christian and not have, built into your very core, a desire to share Christ, our only hope in life and death, with those who do not know HIM.  If you know HIM, truly know the joy, the liberating grace and mercy of HIM…then you are cruel to not share that with others. 

Would we turn the other way as Goti cried alone?  Why are we, as believers, turning away from the lost and broken people that God has placed in our paths? 

Be zealous to share OUR HOPE OF CHRIST with a lost world.

James MacDonald: “If you want only enough of Christ to save yourself, then you probably don’t have enough to do even that.”

It’s hard to put into words how different our life is here.  So, I wanted to give a quick glimpse into what a typical week is like for us here in Africa (if there is such thing as a typical week here)

{SUNDAY}

Last Sunday started out fairly normal as we got ready for church with the electricity cut off halfway thru.  Any sort of self-pity flew out the window as we piled into our car and noticed the old beggar standing at our gate with a severely wounded leg and in desperate need of corrective surgery.  We see this kind of thing a LOT here, but today we put him in our car, gave him the breakfast that I grabbed for the drive, a small amount of money toward surgery and took him to our church.  He stayed the entire time and listened intently.

I actually understood more than 10 words in the sermon this week.

 

Claire and Kennedy performed in children’s choir, yet again.  I believe they each sang about 2 words and clapped on beat 3 times.

Kennedy cried because she missed her church back home in the States.

We spent the rest of the day with no electricity.

{MONDAY}

I left my 2-year-old at language school pre-school for the first time.  I cried, as she cried, when I left her in a small room filled with 30 little 4 and 5 year-old African faces, 2 Swahili-speaking teachers, and a little packed bag that she held on to for dear life.  It was hard.  No one wants to make sacrifices when it comes to their children.  Okay, as I type that I’m humbled at the sacrifice of our Heavenly Father of his only Son.  Never mind on the self-pity avenue I was about to travel down.  Moving on…

Anyway, Elliot survived, but didn’t like the ugi she was served at snack-time.  She was given a school book and homework that night.  I guess her teachers have higher aspirations for our toddler than we do. Haha ;)

Language school is held outside, under the beautiful scenery of the Uluguru Mountains.  We tried our best to concentrate in the midst of heavy rain, a visit from a tarantula, and the constant temptation to worry about how my little Elliot was doing in her new environment.

We watched last weeks episode of American Idol, which is our weekly treat.

{TUESDAY}

I realized that I’m pretty comfortable driving here on the left side of the road now(not on the drive from Morogoro to DAR…you would have to be insane to be comfortable on that drive) and with the exception of various close encounters with piki-piki’s, bicycles, and cattle.  It rained hard that day, I had to get out of the car b/c I thought I got a flat tire while driving thru a worse-than normal road.  I almost fell in the mud when my flip-flop got stuck and my body continued.  

We spent the day at a nearby orphanage again.  Claire came along and had a wonderful time.  She asked to remove her shoes, in which I answered no.  There was deep mud everywhere due to it being rainy season.  All I could think about was the disease and parasites she could get thru walking barefoot.  She looked up at me, looked over at her friend’s feet and said “If they don’t have shoes…I don’t have shoes.” I want a heart like that. 

We are going back to the orphanage this week, hopefully, with some supplements for 4-year old Upendo.  She has a severe oozing, ear infection that continues to come back.  I can’t wait for Alisa to get here…she always knows the remedy for things like that.   

 We had some friends over and had a good normal night playing games.  We even had chocolate chip cookies. They don’t sell chocolate chips here.

{WEDNESDAY}

We prayed on the way to school.  Claire’s prayer:  “Please help me not to have to go potty during class and please help me not to tell anyone our family password.” Elliot had a bad day at language school.  So did I.  I prayed a lot that day.

{THURSDAY}

I was tired from a long night full of joy and many tears as I watched my sister give birth to my precious niece, Iris Danielle (over skype).  It was hard to concentrate at language school.  I was tired and I missed home. 

God answered our prayers and Elliot didn’t cry this time as she entered her class.  It’s actually quite precious to hear dozens of little voices yell, “Elliot, Elliot (Ee-lee-ott).”  They love her there and take very seriously their responsibility to care for her, as they are 2 years her senior.

{FRIDAY}

I secretly got mad at Aaron during our Swahili training b/c he knew more answers than me and got a better score on his homework.  It was just another average rainy day, with no electricity…until Shantelle’s vehicle was stolen in a populated area of town.  God protected her and we have given many praises for this.  There is a reason for this and I am proud to watch Shantelle seek God’s glory and give Him praise thru a difficult time.  I was also proud to hear that she busted out some pretty good Swahili in her first few moments of panic.  ;)

{SATURDAY}

I woke up with pink eye.  Apparently the little girl, with swollen eyes, that hugged me and held my hand yesterday shared it with me.  No worries.  One of the only things that is easier here than in the states is getting medicine.  You simply walk into a Duka la Dawa…tell them what you want and you get it (for very cheap, I might add). 

We spent the morning at the police station.   We watched a friend’s grandchild as she attended a funeral of her close friend who died from Maleria.  We ordered “take-out” which means the following:  Aaron takes our plates from home and heads down to a tiny restaurant.  He orders, waits for an hour, and brings our “take-out” food and plates home. It’s a fun treat for Saturday nights.  Mr. Kim came over for our usual evening coffee and chats.  He misses home. We watched a movie with sub-titles, so he could follow along.  We skyped our family; which is both a wonderful and painful occasion (hard to put into words).   And now I am writing.

{TOMORROW}

…WE NEVER KNOW. 

So, tonight we pray and ask God for strength, wisdom, humility, and strength to seek HIM thru every new and God-ordained experience.  It’s not easy, it’s definitely not ordinary, it’s not the home I know and love, but I thank God for every moment HE has given me to see and learn more of HIM thru this new place that I now call…home.

"You don't want your old life back..."

Oh, facebook…how I love the connections you bring between friends…and how I love/hate the exposure you bring to my wicked heart.

Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed a slight sting in my heart as I looked through the beautifully normal albums of friends back home.  The other night, those slight stings boiled over into an idol-exposing mess.  “I feel like everything I am is gone.  Everything and everyone is moving on.  I don’t like looking at my old life without myself in it.   I feel like I left who I was behind!“ 

Hearing myself say that was pretty scary. I was slapped in the face with the reality of where my value had been placed.  I was so ashamed.  As God graciously exposed my heart that night, he also graciously gave me Shan and Aaron to help encourage me.  Shan said “Thank God that we don’t have those things to hide behind anymore, Steph.  All our eggs are in one basket, and that is in Christ ALONE.” 

I thank God that I can’t hide behind titles, friendships, status, starbucks, fashion, family, busyness, self-inflicted busyness, work, lunch-dates with friends, favorite t.v shows, etc.  I thank Him for the silence and for the loneliness that beckon me to answer…Is HE really enough in my life?  All those things listed are a mirage of happiness and hope.  HE, JESUS, is the rock that we are all longing for.   

Is Christ really enough in my life?  Oh, how I can talk the talk but it gets serious really quick when I actually attempt to live that way.  I pray that I can start believing and living in the following manner…“Gospel-saturation people are those who give everything they have because they realize that, in Christ, they already have everything they need.”

As Tullian Tchividjian so eloquently put it in the incredible book Jesus + Nothing= Everything: “You don’t want your old life back, it’s your old idols you want back, and I (Jesus) love you too much to give them back to you.”   Thank you, Lord for the absence of my “old life” that so easily hid my idolatry!  I am broken and humbled to realize how I TRIED to find my identity and joy in things and people other than YOU.  I, Stephanie Boon, am a child of God.  Rescued, loved, and hidden in Christ.  That is everything.

Colossians 3:1-4 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

This is my first blog entry here in Africa. I have put this off for some time now. Part of me was trying to avoid the inevitable first entry after leaving my family. I had no desire to relive those dreadful moments, but every time I started an entry it felt like I was picking up in a wrong place. My desire for this blog is to point others to Christ and the incredible blessings and grace that come thru following Him…though sometimes the grace may be painful. Such painful and sustaining grace came as I left my family just a few weeks ago. I pray though, that through honesty and openness into my life that God will do a work in the lives of others.
He will receive the glory in all of my weakness and when my faith is shaken…HE remains faithful.

{My journal on March 15th}
Yesterday was the day that I did the single hardest thing that I have ever done. I walked away from my family. I truly felt like my heart was going to stop beating. The pain of leaving my sisters, my brothers, my nieces, my nephews, Mamaw, Papaw…it was almost more than I could bare…

I held tightly onto my precious Leighton and Winston, knowing that I will never get to feel them as precious babies again. I kissed and squeezed their little faces tighter than either appreciated.

I watched as little Norah tried her very best to understand what was happening. I listened, as she wanted to make sure that I knew where to find her when we came back. “Will I still be at my house? If I’m in a new house, will you know where to find me?” Even my best robot impression didn’t put a smile on her confused and saddened little face.

I watched little Caloway try his best to be tough. He hugged Kennedy as she cried and closed his little eyes. He promised to call me right away when he loses that loose front tooth.

I hugged the pregnant belly of my baby sister, knowing that I would never get to hold little Iris as a baby.

I watched my Mamaw, one of the toughest humans around, try to stay busy and distracted to shield her pain.

I felt the strong arms of the precious and loving grandpa shake as he held the granddaughter that he loves to protect.

My brothers…trying their very best to stay strong for their families, broke my heart. I love those 3 men as if they had been my brothers all my life. They love, protect, adore, lead and are married to the three women that hold some of the highest places in my heart…my sisters. The pain of leaving those three was deeper than I ever imagined. Walking out of their daily lives, out of reach of their hugs, away from their laughs, the constant joy that fills every moment we are together, it felt like I was leaving part of my soul behind.
Today, as I sit in a Chicago hotel, because of our cancelled flight, I mourn the loss of the life I leave behind. Nothing, short of faith and trust in our Holy God could keep me from running back…nothing.

“Oh Lord,
I hang on Thee; I see, believe, live,
When Thy will, not mine, is done;
I can plead nothing in myself
In regard of any worthiness and grace,
In regard of Thy providence and promises,
But only Thy good pleasure.
If Thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be Thou!
Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies;
Help me to honor Thee by believing before I feel, for great is the sin if I make feeling a cause of faith.”

I pray, dear Lord, that you use my weakness for Your glory. I pray you take my life and use it as instruments of Your grace, so that some may know. Grant me more faith, more wisdom, more patience, more love, more humility, more sustaining grace to point others to You.
In Your incredible mercy, You: called me to Yourself in salvation, You called me to Your service (though you need me not) and I am sure of this, that You who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phillipians 1:6

I look back on my journal with love and adoration for a Heavenly Father who knows exactly how it feels to leave family. He, in His incredible grace and mercy, sent His only Son out of a perfect world, as a living sacrifice…to pay for what I CAN NOT!

The words in a letter written to me from my much older and wiser ;) big sister pretty much sums it up:

Dear Steph,
Tonight was another wonderful family night. When I think about all the wonderful memories we have had and will still have as a family I know that all this is possible because of Jesus.

Without Him family wouldn’t be so precious. But God changed everything for us when He chose before the foundations of the world to save us. Our great Rescuer Jesus Christ has rescued us from the power of sin and has bestowed on us blessings upon blessings.
I look at my family and see that all the joy I feel is from him and him alone and praise be to him for saving and sealing our eternal destiny to be forever with our Lord and Savior.

So, how could my soul not rejoice that God has given you the passion and desire to share the hope he has given us to those who are without? How selfish would I be that I wouldn’t want everyone in the world to know the glorious gospel of Jesus Christ that has changed our lives and given us purpose. Even if that means a temporary, I am happy that the happiness we have shared as a family in Jesus will be shared with the people of Africa.

I think about the happiness and joy I feel in a world still stricken with sin. What then will heaven be like when finally our Lord comes back and makes everything right again, takes away the pain, the sickness, the separation, death and we get to have Jesus for eternity. The greatest memories and joys I have felt on this earth will not even come close to comparing.

God help us to not just be satisfied with simply existing but that we would truly live. And truly living is a life that belongs to the one who has saved our souls. We are his people set aside for his purpose. May God give us the courage and strength to be on the mission of sharing his saving gospel to those around us.
I Thessalonians 5:23-24 “Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

That awful moment when every emotion I have tried so adamantly to hide comes crashing down. It all hits me. We are leaving…leaving everything we know: our home, everything familiar, everything dear, everything easy and American…my family.

Here’s a true confession-last night, for first time, I looked at my husband, Aaron and said, “I don’t think I can do this.”

I had just spent the entire evening watching my girls and each of their cousins fill the house with so much love and laughter and joy. “How can we leave this? How can we leave them? What are we doing? Are we making the worst mistake of our lives?”

To most people, the answer to those questions is…a big YES. It’s the absolute worst mistake of our lives to leave this blessed family and life behind to enter into an unfamiliar, unstable, foreign, Muslim nation with which we can count the number of people we know on one hand. From an earthly (logical) perspective it is pure insanity to do this.

Or…it’s the greatest gift of our lives that God would allow us, often faithless and fearful; to be used in His magnificent plan to share the greatest news of His love and grace to those who have never heard!

I have a feeling that a lot of us have that similar tension between our flesh (what makes sense) and faith. Following our Lord when it doesn’t make sense, when it hurts, when the world laughs or disapproves, when you’re scared…when all you have IS HIM to rely upon.
Last night, as my husband held me and we prayed together for strength, for comfort and wisdom, we cried out for God to grant us more of that faith.

::Faith like Moses when God asked him to lead an impossible journey across the Red Sea.
::Faith like Hannah as she left her only son behind in obedience to the Lord and prayed “There is none holy like the LORD: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.”
::Faith like Joshua leading a “seemingly” impossible battle to Jericho
::Faith like Joseph, Abraham, Daniel, Rahab, Ruth, and David…
::Faith that looks past what lies behind, what fears lie ahead and only to GOD.

So, now in my weakness and fear…all I can do is pray for a heart that remains faithful through what seems impossible. I want faith like what is described below in Hebrews 11…

13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

For those reading and now struggling with your own fear…yes, we ARE still going. ☺ Through God’s immeasurable grace He is granting us the faith needed to press on into this journey He has called us. Though my flesh is fearful and lacking in faith, our God…the creator of the universe..IS MY HELP!
"...Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith"