"You don't want your old life back..."

Oh, facebook…how I love the connections you bring between friends…and how I love/hate the exposure you bring to my wicked heart.

Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed a slight sting in my heart as I looked through the beautifully normal albums of friends back home.  The other night, those slight stings boiled over into an idol-exposing mess.  “I feel like everything I am is gone.  Everything and everyone is moving on.  I don’t like looking at my old life without myself in it.   I feel like I left who I was behind!“ 

Hearing myself say that was pretty scary. I was slapped in the face with the reality of where my value had been placed.  I was so ashamed.  As God graciously exposed my heart that night, he also graciously gave me Shan and Aaron to help encourage me.  Shan said “Thank God that we don’t have those things to hide behind anymore, Steph.  All our eggs are in one basket, and that is in Christ ALONE.” 

I thank God that I can’t hide behind titles, friendships, status, starbucks, fashion, family, busyness, self-inflicted busyness, work, lunch-dates with friends, favorite t.v shows, etc.  I thank Him for the silence and for the loneliness that beckon me to answer…Is HE really enough in my life?  All those things listed are a mirage of happiness and hope.  HE, JESUS, is the rock that we are all longing for.   

Is Christ really enough in my life?  Oh, how I can talk the talk but it gets serious really quick when I actually attempt to live that way.  I pray that I can start believing and living in the following manner…“Gospel-saturation people are those who give everything they have because they realize that, in Christ, they already have everything they need.”

As Tullian Tchividjian so eloquently put it in the incredible book Jesus + Nothing= Everything: “You don’t want your old life back, it’s your old idols you want back, and I (Jesus) love you too much to give them back to you.”   Thank you, Lord for the absence of my “old life” that so easily hid my idolatry!  I am broken and humbled to realize how I TRIED to find my identity and joy in things and people other than YOU.  I, Stephanie Boon, am a child of God.  Rescued, loved, and hidden in Christ.  That is everything.

Colossians 3:1-4 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3 For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

This is my first blog entry here in Africa. I have put this off for some time now. Part of me was trying to avoid the inevitable first entry after leaving my family. I had no desire to relive those dreadful moments, but every time I started an entry it felt like I was picking up in a wrong place. My desire for this blog is to point others to Christ and the incredible blessings and grace that come thru following Him…though sometimes the grace may be painful. Such painful and sustaining grace came as I left my family just a few weeks ago. I pray though, that through honesty and openness into my life that God will do a work in the lives of others.
He will receive the glory in all of my weakness and when my faith is shaken…HE remains faithful.

{My journal on March 15th}
Yesterday was the day that I did the single hardest thing that I have ever done. I walked away from my family. I truly felt like my heart was going to stop beating. The pain of leaving my sisters, my brothers, my nieces, my nephews, Mamaw, Papaw…it was almost more than I could bare…

I held tightly onto my precious Leighton and Winston, knowing that I will never get to feel them as precious babies again. I kissed and squeezed their little faces tighter than either appreciated.

I watched as little Norah tried her very best to understand what was happening. I listened, as she wanted to make sure that I knew where to find her when we came back. “Will I still be at my house? If I’m in a new house, will you know where to find me?” Even my best robot impression didn’t put a smile on her confused and saddened little face.

I watched little Caloway try his best to be tough. He hugged Kennedy as she cried and closed his little eyes. He promised to call me right away when he loses that loose front tooth.

I hugged the pregnant belly of my baby sister, knowing that I would never get to hold little Iris as a baby.

I watched my Mamaw, one of the toughest humans around, try to stay busy and distracted to shield her pain.

I felt the strong arms of the precious and loving grandpa shake as he held the granddaughter that he loves to protect.

My brothers…trying their very best to stay strong for their families, broke my heart. I love those 3 men as if they had been my brothers all my life. They love, protect, adore, lead and are married to the three women that hold some of the highest places in my heart…my sisters. The pain of leaving those three was deeper than I ever imagined. Walking out of their daily lives, out of reach of their hugs, away from their laughs, the constant joy that fills every moment we are together, it felt like I was leaving part of my soul behind.
Today, as I sit in a Chicago hotel, because of our cancelled flight, I mourn the loss of the life I leave behind. Nothing, short of faith and trust in our Holy God could keep me from running back…nothing.

“Oh Lord,
I hang on Thee; I see, believe, live,
When Thy will, not mine, is done;
I can plead nothing in myself
In regard of any worthiness and grace,
In regard of Thy providence and promises,
But only Thy good pleasure.
If Thy mercy make me poor and vile, blessed be Thou!
Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies;
Help me to honor Thee by believing before I feel, for great is the sin if I make feeling a cause of faith.”

I pray, dear Lord, that you use my weakness for Your glory. I pray you take my life and use it as instruments of Your grace, so that some may know. Grant me more faith, more wisdom, more patience, more love, more humility, more sustaining grace to point others to You.
In Your incredible mercy, You: called me to Yourself in salvation, You called me to Your service (though you need me not) and I am sure of this, that You who began a good work in me will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phillipians 1:6

I look back on my journal with love and adoration for a Heavenly Father who knows exactly how it feels to leave family. He, in His incredible grace and mercy, sent His only Son out of a perfect world, as a living sacrifice…to pay for what I CAN NOT!

The words in a letter written to me from my much older and wiser ;) big sister pretty much sums it up:

Dear Steph,
Tonight was another wonderful family night. When I think about all the wonderful memories we have had and will still have as a family I know that all this is possible because of Jesus.

Without Him family wouldn’t be so precious. But God changed everything for us when He chose before the foundations of the world to save us. Our great Rescuer Jesus Christ has rescued us from the power of sin and has bestowed on us blessings upon blessings.
I look at my family and see that all the joy I feel is from him and him alone and praise be to him for saving and sealing our eternal destiny to be forever with our Lord and Savior.

So, how could my soul not rejoice that God has given you the passion and desire to share the hope he has given us to those who are without? How selfish would I be that I wouldn’t want everyone in the world to know the glorious gospel of Jesus Christ that has changed our lives and given us purpose. Even if that means a temporary, I am happy that the happiness we have shared as a family in Jesus will be shared with the people of Africa.

I think about the happiness and joy I feel in a world still stricken with sin. What then will heaven be like when finally our Lord comes back and makes everything right again, takes away the pain, the sickness, the separation, death and we get to have Jesus for eternity. The greatest memories and joys I have felt on this earth will not even come close to comparing.

God help us to not just be satisfied with simply existing but that we would truly live. And truly living is a life that belongs to the one who has saved our souls. We are his people set aside for his purpose. May God give us the courage and strength to be on the mission of sharing his saving gospel to those around us.
I Thessalonians 5:23-24 “Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.